Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
