Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
