either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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