I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
