Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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