Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Your dad touched me again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
