from now on my penis is your penis
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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