thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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