I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
