I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
