Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
