Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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