dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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