I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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