so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
