i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i came on her dog
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
