so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
