If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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