god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
