My liver just broke up with me...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
