Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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