you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
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There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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