Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
