Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
