in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
