thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
