Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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