i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Less talking, more tequila
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
