one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
