I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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