I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I need to stop coming to work sober
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize