I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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