I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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