i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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