1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You made out with two different species that night
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
