I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
