you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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