I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
how does that bad decision feel?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
