If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need moral support for this bender
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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