I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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