i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You pole danced in your parka.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
