we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
