I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
