So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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