i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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