Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
