if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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