Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
