Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
