That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
