I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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