You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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