I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
