That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
