I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
