saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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