Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
