I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
