Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
