tell your sister to shave her snatch
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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