How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
