Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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